Culpwrit

I recently was asked by a young reader of this blog for advice on what to wear to a relative’s funeral.

The fact he asked me for advice suggested he knew that his normal casual attire might not be sufficient.

The question gave me a flashback to a college course I took long ago called Social Orientation and taught by the always prim and proper adjunct professor Mary Alice Banks. The class, largely filled by jocks and others looking for an easy A, turned out to be far more worthwhile for my future business career than ever expected. We learned a wide variety of social skills including how to properly set a table, how to sip soup (always push the spoon away from you rather than towards you as you fill it up), business meeting protocol, office social events and wedding receptions.

The final assignment required students to select a social event that made them most uncomfortable so we could learn by doing. Half-jokingly, several of us suggested a funeral. Miss Banks loved the idea and came back the next week with our assignment and specific pre-event training to get prepared for the often awkward but important experience – including proper attire.

The next week we showed up for class and hiked some 12 blocks down to the Bedino Peace Chapel to practice what we learned. The funeral home owner invited us to attend the wake for a homeless person. We nervously signed the guest list and proceeded single file to the casket to pay our respects to the handful family members who were present. We remained around for a short time having small talk with the family, Mr. Bedino and our instructor before returning to the classroom to discuss the experience. The following week we heard from Mr. Bedino who shared a note from the family about how much they appreciated our presence and support.

That experience has stuck with me through many similar situations over the past five decades.

In response to my reader’s question, I shared the words of Miss Banks: “Show your respect by dressing respectfully.” I wore a suit and tie. With today’s shift to casual where you see almost every variation of attire, I still feel it is important to at least wear a sport coat and tie.

Recommended Reading:

Funeral Etiquette: A Basic Guide

A Complete Guide to Funeral Thank You Etiquette for family members sending notes to those who attended or reached out during a funeral.

The Etiquette Advantage in Business, Third Edition: Personal Skills for Professional Success by descendants of the grand dame of social etiquette, Emily Post.