Culpwrit

By Tom Martin

When I was very young, growing up in Memphis, Tennessee, we had a neighbor named Gladys Jack. She was a high school English teacher and drama coach who lived across the street. One day—for reasons that to this day I can’t remember—I crossed the street, knocked on her door and introduced myself. I was no more than six years old. She welcomed me in, I sat on one of her rocking chairs, and we proceeded to have a chat. Little did I know it at the time, but Mrs. Jack became my first mentor.

For the next few years, I would go to Mrs. Jack’s house on many afternoons after school. We would sit and talk, sometimes for an hour or more, before it was time for me to go home for dinner. She talked to me about politics, about current events, about manners, about a bigger world that awaited me. Mrs. Jack had a profound impact on my young mind, an impact that remains to this day.

That’s how mentoring works. It is often spontaneous and unplanned. It is seldom labeled as “mentoring,” but that’s what it is. What we are finding now, through our research at the Martin Center for Mentoring, is that effective mentoring almost always features two key components that were present in my relationship with Mrs. Jack all those years ago. They include a committed, generous mentor—someone like Mrs. Jack—who is willing to give of their time, experience, and wisdom to someone else. They also include a mentee who is open to listening, learning, and growing. For whatever reason, my mind was in that curious, open mode when I would sit and talk with Mrs. Jack. And I’m sure glad it was.

Importantly, I was also usually the one who initiated our chats. I was the one who walked across the street, knocked on the door and asked if we could talk. That’s a role that is often uncomfortable for mentees. In our research, we find that students are usually intimidated by mentors. They perceive them as busy, successful people—which they are—and as a result they resist contacting them. Yet, when they do, they almost always discover that the mentor is quite happy to meet with them or have a Zoom call if they are in different locations. But the student must be willing to approach them, and persistent in following up afterward.

Earlier this year we launched a podcast called “Mindful Mentoring.” In each episode I speak with individuals who share their experiences, both as mentors and mentees. These are successful people, in academia, business, sports, journalism and related fields. Some have a connection to the College of Charleston, and some don’t. But what has struck me about these conversations is how deeply emotional the bond can become between mentor and mentee. In many cases, the trajectory of their lives and careers has been profoundly changed through the efforts of a caring mentor, often an informal one.

For anyone considering becoming a mentor—formally or informally—I can attest that the experience can be a profoundly rewarding one. When I was 30, I was matched in the Big Brothers program with Robert Wilson, who was 12 at the time. We would spend time together each week, and though our match officially ended when he turned seventeen, we just kept it going. He was an usher in my wedding, and I attended all his graduations—high school, college, and eventually law school. He was like a big brother to both of our sons, and when he got married he asked me to be his best man. Robert is now a successful attorney with St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital in Memphis, and we just celebrated our 40th anniversary together. His two daughters call me “Grandpa Tom,” and my grandson Jack shares a birth date with Robert’s oldest daughter.

Clearly not every mentor match will lead to a 40-year experience, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be life changing. A few years ago, one of our Martin Scholars was considering going to law school but her parents weren’t thrilled with the idea. Her mentor suggested she apply anyway and just see what might happen. She did apply and received a full scholarship to a highly regarded law school. She is now a practicing attorney and loves her career choice. Would it have happened without the mentor’s involvement? Maybe, but both she and her mentor derive great satisfaction from seeing how things turned out.

To students and those at early stages in their careers, I would encourage you to seek out mentors, both in formal mentoring programs and in informal ways. The key to success either way is in being open to the counsel these mentors can provide. Mentors don’t have to be seasoned sages in the latter stages of their careers. Sometimes they are in the next cubicle, or on a Zoom call. What they have to offer is a different way of looking at a problem, or a willingness to pass along knowledge that you might not have yet encountered.

Mentoring can be a powerful developmental tool. But both parties—mentors and mentees—must be willing to invest the time it takes to live, learn and pass it on.

Tom Martin is the founder of the Martin Center for Mentorship in Communication at the College of Charleston. He has served at the College as Executive in Residence since his retirement as chief communications officer at ITT Corporation in 2007. Prior to ITT he was the CCO at FedEx.